It's that time of year again. Brown sandy snow lines the streets, people are getting their heat shut off and evicted from their homes, Dunkin Donuts lines stretch for miles down the street, and co-workers are getting hammered at their respective Christmas parties.
Christmas parties are a necessity at every company. If you don't have one your boss is probably a fascist assbag that hates Christmas and doesn't appreciate the work you have put in throughout the year....or a Jew. I've gone to a few company sponsored Christmas parties and have not been shy with my consumption of alcoholic beverages. However I do know people who won't drink anything out of fear of what their boss and co-workers will think.
However there are few lines that people should not cross at this party. Here is my 5 step plan to ensure that doesn't happen.
1. Never be the drunkest person at the party. Everyone remembers who was #1 at the party. The guy/girl that gets cut off from the bar or asked to calm down. However this person is essential to the rest of the party. You can drink as much as you want as long as you do not catch this person. They must maintain a sloppiness that exceeds your drinking. The #1 drunkard at the party is a phenomenal decoy for the rest of the party slurping down drinks.
2. Always say you drank less than you actually did. No one cares that you spent $200 dollars at the bar. If you can remember your total number of drinks (which is as difficult as remembering the Pythagorean Theorem) say you drank about 6 drinks less than that. People may view you as a light weight, but it's better then them remembering you being not that drunk after 11 Fireball shots.
3. Join a rowdy a group. It's better to be part of the party group than being singled out. Also, you can always use the excuse that you were pressured into drinking with these people, and they "Just wouldn't stop buying me drinks."
4. Only make a move on a female coworker if you know it's a definite. Toeing the co-worker hook up line is always a tough one. However Christmas parties are one of the few chances you can get away with it Scott free. Having said that, the last thing you want to do is a make a move and get rejected. If you do end up going for it, make sure no one is around to see it. Win or lose you never want to be the talk of the office after the party.
5. Gauge your drinking on the vibe of the party. If people are partying go ahead and join in the party. In fact sometimes it may look worse to not join in if people are getting after it. However if it is a fuckin Whine and Cheese fest don't show up with a Battle of Jack and take an upper decker in the toilet.
If you follow these 5 simple steps your Christmas party will be a success and you will get drunk and have a good time. However if the party is open bar these rules probably won't apply to shit and all hell will break lose. Nothing ends a career like an open bar with Michael Jackson on the Jute Box.
P.S. Please refrain from using Ethnic Slurs.
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