The Five Guys Workout Plan

Living in California I have my fair share of In N Out burgers, but without a doubt the undisputed champion will always be Five Guys.  Five Guys is huge on the East Coast and is quickly moving out West.  The Burgers are customizable and about 3 times the size of your average In N Out Double Double. 

But those who love Five Guys know to always enjoy in moderation.  You have to limit yourself to about one burger a week.  It's hard work.  I have to look the other way every time I drive by the damn place.  There's so much greasy goodness protruding from Five Guys that I've even plugged my nose when they're near.

Which brings me to Crunch Fitness.  I was driving by Five Guys on the Post Road when a Lunk Alarm went off in my head.  Crunch Fitness had just opened up directly next to Five Guys.  I drove by to get a closer look and noticed people on the treadmills in front of the large window just peering into Five Guys and people from Five Guys stuffing they're face looking into the gym thinking what could have been.  Why would somebody put them self through this agony.  Running on the treadmill fuckin sucks, but running on the treadmill with a Five Guy Burger only 5.6 meters away is cruel and unusual punishment. 

No building can keep the smell of Five Guys out.  Let alone a pussy ass Curves wannabe gym.  Crunch Fitness is eating their members souls while the people at Five Guys are eating their souls away.  Then it hit me.  Perhaps Crunch Fitness aren't morons after all.  Instead they're running the most conniving social experiment and dedicated business plan this world has ever seen.

People in that Gym are going to go to Five Guys, there is no way around it.  Crunch Fitness' gym members are going to get fatter every time they work out because no one can resist a delicious slaughtered cow.  They knew what they were doing when they put the gym there.  Hell I guarantee all Five guys are getting a portion of the prophets.  Wouldn't even be surprised if the training video was called 5 Guys 1 Crunch.  You may have the public fooled Crunch Fitness, but not me.  The best way to get your members to come back is to keep them fat, unhealthy, and depressed, and nothing says fat, unhealthy, and depressed like Five Guys.  Crunch Fitness knows that in order to make it they're going to have to pump their veins with cholesterol and not testosterone.