Heat vs. Spurs Preview: The Champs Are Here

There have not been many teams to Three-Peat in the NBA Finals.  In fact up to this point only The Lakers, Bulls, and Celtics have ever done it.  The Heat have the chance to be immortalized and it all starts tonight in San Antonio.  Mark my words, "The Heat will win this Series in 6 games and become only the 4th team to ever Three-Peat."  I mean Pat Riley coined the damn phrase for Christ's Sake.  He knew what he was doing when he masterminded this team.  He is the GodFather and the rest of the Heat personnel is forever connected to his strings.  The Ultimate Puppeteer, he was even able to rope Lebron James in.

Lebron Fucking James.  He is the greatest player in our generation.  Never has there been such a combination of Speed, Size, Strength, Agility, and Coordination.  Well maybe Marty Kissel and Geary Claxton circa 2005, but I digress.  People nay Vegas thinks that The Spurs are going to win this series in 7 games?  Sure they have Home Court Advantage, but they do not have Lebron James.  Lebron can win a game in so many ways and he's surrounded by phenomenol shooters, not too mention the Greatest Shooter of all Time in Ray Allen.  Uconn Represent!!  This Heat team has studs all around.  In my opinion 4 Hall of Famers in James, Wade, Allen, and Bosh compared to The Spurs who might have 2.  Ray Allen hit a clutch 3 to send it to a game 7 that The Heat still had to win.  Ohh yeh a Game 7 where Lebron James had 37 Pts, 12 Reb, 4 Ast, and 2 Stl.  How many times did Robert Horry bail Kobe and Shaq out, bail Duncan out, bail Parker out?  Kerr and Pippen bailed Jordan out all the time.

Heat are going to win this Series, their 4th in a row, and continue to come out of the East for the next 5 years.  The ceiling with this team is endless because who wouldn't want to come play with Lebron James.  Ray Allen sure did.  He's a shooters dream.  A freight train that needs to be double teamed with eyes in the back of his head.  Dude is literally the best passer in the NBA.  Well James and my main man Ricky Rubio.  So please put the Jordan comparisons aside and watch The best player in the Game lead his Team to another Championship and etch his name into that stupid fuckin Mount Rushmore everyone is talking about.  Sit back and enjoy we've got a Dynasty on our hands.

P.s.  We need the Birdman to be Healthy.  He is our best Rim Protector and The Spurs....well the Spurs are large.  However if need be I'm sure Lebron and Wade will guard the Rim because they are the best shot blocking 2 and 3 guard/forwards in the game no question.  Not to mention we got Greg Oden looking prettttty prettttttty good.  Right Larry David?  One thing's for sure Thank You Jesus Shuttlesworth we don't have to face Luis Scola again.  Hallelujah!  Luis Scola is one of the best scorers in the NBA, but the Pacers don't seem to notice his abilities.  Sure he'll get dunked on and burned on defense 60% of the time, but if I need a clutch performer to hit a big shot I'm taking Luis Scola.  Luckily Scola isn't on the Spurs which means Lebron is on his way to his 4th title.  Just give the Heat the trophy now.  Heat in 6: Hollla

The King From Hamden, CT

Although they may call the Rangers Goalie the King, he is not the one who wears the Noble name on his Jersey.  Jonathan Quick proved yet again that he can rise to the occasion and make spectacular, unorthodox, down right insane saves in key moments.  I think Jonathan should just put slayer on his back in tribute to Jamie Lannister for the treason he is about to commit on his boyhood team The Rangers.  
This series really hits home for me.  Growing up in North Haven, CT, the bordering town of the Immortal in his prime Jonathan Quicks' hometown I too grew up rooting for the Rangers.  However since my move out West and watching this King's team with my college friend at the anchor accomplish things on the ice that no one ever deemed possible really began to sway my fan ship towards the Kings.  I would have loved to see him play at Quinnipiac.  I wonder if they even gave him an offer.  Rand Pecknold has such a Canadian fetish.  Rand would recruit Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles, and possibly Randy and Lahey before he even sniffed around for talent in his own backyard.  I heard Terrance and Phillip turned down QU scholarship offers in the early 90's.   
2 years ago The Kings shocked the World as an 8 seed and won the Cup with Quick literally carrying the team on his back the entire way.  This year they ran into a dominant San Jose team who seemed like this might be the year they finally win the cup, and it sure looked that way when they went up 3-0.  Yet the Gritty Morons (of the modern day for our Red Sox Fans out there) found a way to buckle down and become  only the 4th team EVER in any sport to come back to win the series down 3-0.  After which The Kings engaged in two more Seven Game Wars against he Ducks and the reigning Champion Chicago Black Hawks, winning them both.  
Game 7 against the BlackHawks proved how tough and relentless this Kings team really is.  They were down 2-0, battled back to tie it up, down 3-2, didn't matter tied it up, down 4-3 late in the third...Why is everyone panicking?  Of course we're going to tie this game up, and in a game 7 with Johnny Quick and Justin Williams, on the road no less, victory was inevitable for The Kings of destiny.  They won this series without arguably their best player even scoring goal....watch out Rangers Kopitar is due for a big series.  
It's Pretty obvious that Marion Gaborik pulled The Sword out of the Stone upon his arrival in Los Angeles.  He has 19 pts in the playoffs so far 12 goals and 9 assists.  Drew Doughty has been an absolute beast in these playoffs and might be the best scoring defense man since Brian Leach.  However this is not going to be an easy series and I'm predicting the Kings will have to win an unthinkable 4th 7 Game Series of this Playoffs.
The Rangers are a good team, even better than Anaheim in my opinion although many people will disagree with me.  I didn't like it the Callahan/St. Louis trade at first howwever it has worked out brilliantly and Nash is starting be to more like the player we thought he would yet he needs to step it up if they're going to have a chance.  Boyle is a bruiser who can move and score, and Hagelen is faster than Kenny Woo and Benny the Jet combined  Then of course there is Henrik Lunqvist, an absolute stud in net.  Guy is the Swedish version of Derek Jeter, but better looking, no homo, and not half black.  I'm a huge fan of Swedish Meatballs, Ikea, and tall hot blonds, but this guy is the best thing to come out of Sweden since Professor Gerald Lambo from Good Will Hunting, Stellan Skarsgard.  Then again Skarsgard did open a portal for Loki's army that nearly destroyed earth, and Stellan's son did turn into a Vampire. 
Well one thing is for sure this is going to be one hell of a series with incredible goal tending.  Quick is an absolute menace in net with his own unique absurdly aggressive style maybe only similar to that of Dominik Hasek.  Lundqvist is more of your traditional butterfly goalie who uses his size to his advantage, although he too is quite aggressive in net, and he sprays his opponents with water bottles.  
What more could you ask for in the Quest for Lord Stanley's Cup?  East Coast West Coast.  2 of the NHL most Valuable franchises. Tupac vs.Biggie, the two best goal tenders in the game today, the best 1st line in all of hockey, and two teams who aren't afraid to dive in front of pucks. 
 The Rangers may have guarded the Wall for a Thousand years but Ned Stark is dead and there is a new King beyond the wall.
   

Derek Fishered out a River Sounds Much Better

I do not hate many people.  In fact I like to think I'm one of the more forgiving people on this earth.  I will never forgive Derek Fisher for his contribution to the NBA.  When you think of Derek's Fisher Legacy you think of FLOPPING!!  All the Lebron haters can hate on Wade and James for flopping on the court, but if there is someone they should be pissed at it's God damn Derek Fisher.
It honestly seemed that The Thunder wanted to lose Game 6 against the Spurs.  Why you ask?  They played Derek Fisher for nearly the entire 4th Quarter and all of Overtime.  The only reason it went into overtime in the first place was because Derek Fisher ran into screen, and rather than fighting through the Duncan's screen Derek Fisher went flying to the ground like he was shot by Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Whalberg "Shooter").
Get this flopping piece of trash who hides in the corner and guns three out of the NBA!!  He should have been retired years ago but he hangs around to try and get more rings.  I think he wants us many Rings as he can get because he doesn't have enough to play Pretty Pretty Princess correctly.  He practices his flopping in front of them when he's playing Tea-Party.  But he needs another Ring to complete the circle and ensure each Cabbage Patch Kid and American Girl Doll each has a ring to wear.  He wants everyone to be dressed correctly for Tea Party.  I mean how else can you explain his excessive flopping, he's soft as baby shit.  His dream Tea Party guest is most like Steve Buschemi from Con Air.

So instead of this guy fading into nothingness now there's talk that he will be the next Coach of the New York Knicks.  Isiah Thomas must the GM of the Knicks still.  This would be the worst hire since the Lighting Hired Barry Melrose for 11 games.  Phil Jackson will be a worse Mentor on Derek Fisher than Ray Donovan and Buccie's priest was back in Boston.  Phil knows Derek is a flopping beige piece of shit.  The Knicks will become an even bigger of a laughing stock when they're whole defense relies on flopping and taking flopping charges. Coach what's the game plan?  "Well Dorris Burke we're going to take charges every possession and if that doesn't work we're going to try and pull people down and get a foul that way.  Ohh and on offense we're going to gun up 3's.  But Phil's not listening right (nervous laugh) please don't tell him he'll beat me."  

If the Knicks hire Flopping Fisher it will be the worst move in Coaching history.  This guy has literally done nothing but make lucky 3's and get big chargers in crunch moments.  He literally changed the way the NBA is played by standing in front of actual athletes driving to the basket and then getting blown backwards like he stepped on an I.E.D.  I hope the next charge Derek Fisher sets is the Charge from the Electric Chair Phil Jackson will eventually put him when Derek begins to repeat Flop over and over again like "Hodor" "Hodor".  

Are Paraplegics Unbelievable at Doing Splits?

I for one am a damn good Twister player.  But are there others out there who can compete, possibly even embarrass me out there on the Twister field?  Paraplegics.  I like to think there is no limit to what these people's legs can do....other than walk of course.  These people may be so flexible to the point where they don't even feel it.  They can literally bend around the mat better than Gumby, Stretch Arm Strong, and Owen Hart combined. 

If I were forming an elite competitive Twister team this would be my Starting 5:

1.  Professor X

Professor X can do anything he wants essentially.  Stop time, get inside your head, kill you if he concentrates too hard.  These are essentials in Twister you just can't teach.  Definitely my Ace in the hole.


2.  Christopher Reeve

Christopher Reeves was Superman at one point, and he has the distinction of being the only Quadriplegic on this list.  His whole body can get around the Twister pad flawlessly.  When he was alive..


3.  Rose Mcgowan (Planet Terror)

 

I know what you're saying.  She's not a paraplegic, she shouldn't count.  Well she has a machine gun for a leg and that's pretty damn cool in my book.  Let's see someone call her out for slipping off red.  Not to mention, every team needs a smokin hot lady to distract the other team. 

4.  Oscar Pistorius

Oscar is one of the fastest people on the planet and has legs like Daggers.  We all remember when he threatened to stomp his Girlfriend to death with his metal legs and then showed her mercy by just shooting her through a door.  Intimidation....my team!


5.  Steven Hawking




















Steven Hawking would be my player coach.  Vast knowledge of the Universe, talks like a bad ass, and is someone the others will respect.  He may also have some Professor X like abilities, and he is pretty damn scary.   





 

R.I.P.D--If only I could go back

We all know Red Box doesn't have the greatest choices, but have I really gone far enough down the line where I end up watching movies like R.I.P.D.?  Dave Kresge and I knew going into this movie that it wasn't going to be good.  However I thought, what the hell I'll give it a chance, I've been wrong before.  What transpired can barely be put into words.
We start with Ryan Reynolds dying...who would have guessed?  Zero character development on him or anyone else for that matter.  He is killed by Kevin Bacon, who we all wanted to be Sebastian Shaw, but ends up being more like Sebastian from the Little Mermaid.  Ryan Reynolds joins the RIPD or Rest In Peace Department, because some people can go to heaven, some to hell, some are in limbo, some fall from the sky, some habit the earth, some can shift form, all don't like Indian food, most of them are overweight but hide it, some come from the ground, some can fly, some can hide stuff in their stomachs, and they seem to like Boston.  Literally none of this is explained. 
We are then introduced to Jeff Bridges character.  What a piece of shit.  He was an 1800s law man, talked like he had cotton balls in his mouth, and literally said nothing of value....other than a Coyote had sex with his dead skull. 
The chemistry between Reynolds and Bridges was something out of a horror movie.  I asked Dave at one point, "Why are they being so mean to each other."  It was as though the dialog was written by two 4th graders fighting on the playground.  It was just snarky remark after snarky remark, neither character ever letting the other one in.  As if the shitty CGI, horrible writing, and lack of story weren't enough.  You have to make the main characters talk in fuckin #hashtags and  fight with each other the whole time.  Reynolds particularly is a complete asshole in this movie.  I don't know how Bridges and Reynolds could say their lines?  Is it only about the paycheck nowadays, because they had to know they were spewing feces all over the screen every time they opened their mouths.
The "Dead'os" as they called them were laughable and never explained.  The CGI looked straight out of Sharknado, infact Sharknado was better, and the parallels to a shittier Men In Black are quite realistic.  I would avoid this movie like the Plague, SARS, and AIDS combined.  I can go on and on about how bad this really was, but honestly this movie doesn't deserve the time or effort. 

Chargers Own Peyton Manning

The Chargers definitely seem to be this years "Team of Destiny" in the 2014 NFL Playoffs.  The fact that we even got into the playoffs is pretty amazing.  We needed Baltimore and Miami to lose their last two games, and we needed to win out just to get a shot at the Lombardi Trophy. 
We get into the playoffs and in typical Chargers fashion beat a team ranked higher than us in the 1st round.  Come Sunday the Chargers will face the #1 seed in the AFC, The Broncos.  A team which we have already beaten and always play well against. 
This has been Peyton Manning's year no question about it, but I can tell you if there is one team he doesn't want to play against it's Phillip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.  The Chargers have had Manning's number for years.  I can't even tell you how many times we went into Indy and beat a Colts team that no one gave us a chance against.  He's 7-6 in his career against San Diego and 0-2 in the playoffs.  This year is no different.
With the spread at -9.5 in favor of Denver not many analysts are giving the Chargers a chance in this game.  Perfect!  There is so much pressure on Peyton Manning to win in this years playoffs that the Chargers are essentially playing with house money.  No one expected us to be here let alone knock off the Broncos in the playoffs.  Chargers Head Coach Mike McCoy also used to Coach on the Broncos staff, which gives us a huge advantage and is probably the reason why we won in Denver in week 15. 
I can already see the beads of sweat streaming down Peyton Manning's giant forehead as he prepares to play Rivers and the Chargers.  He knows if he loses this game his legacy will be forever changed into the Great Regular season Quarterback who couldn't get it done in the Playoffs.  I really like the Chargers chances this week, and if they do win, I think we have a shot to win it all. 

P.S. Without Nate Kaeding, there's nothing that can stop us. 

Frank Gore: The Most Consistent Mentally Challenged Player in the NFL

Frank Gore didn't choose the illiterate life, the illiterate life chose him.  Frank Gore may be the most consistent retard ever to play in the NFL.  His 100 yard rushing average is nearly double his IQ, and his minute brain has been rushing by defenses for nearly a decade. 
With all the concussion tests in the NFL the 49ers are pumped that Frank Gore does not have a brain.  Take that Roger Goodell.  He was reading at an astounding 3rd grade level in High School and was welcomed to the University of Miami with open arms.  That of course was after he took the SAT's 13 times to break a score of 700. 
With San Francisco poised to make another run at the Super Bowl we can only hope for an exciting Gore Press Conferences in the future...Hopefully his English to English translator is on hand.  Frank Gore may have the IQ of your average house plant, but he's one running back I wouldn't want to see in the playoffs.

P.s.  Frank Gore works as a WalMart greeter in the off season.