TerrorOver The Mid West!

As I stated yesterday I did not have the most pleasant Airport trip from San Diego to Hartford.  However I think someone had it a little bit worse than me. 

Now as every guy knows the first thing you do when walking into an aircraft is scan the plane for hot chicks.  You try and find the girls traveling alone so you can have a "companion"/mile high failed attempt while you're traveling.  As usual I was the last person to enter the plane so I was able to scale all the hot girls, and sexy flight attendants on board.  Being a flight attendant adds 1.5 pts to your hotness.  So if you're a 7 you become an 8.5.  Fuckin Fact. 

Upon scanning I noticed One girl who was the cream of the crop, and she had an open seat next to her. However when I looked at my seat number I noticed all 3 of my seats were open.  What a dilemma!  Do I sit down in a crammed row of three next to this hot chick or do I have an entire row to myself?  I decided that no girl was hot enough to overtake the mystical almost unicorn like row of open seats.  I was the farthest row in the back.

Throughout the flight the girl I had my eye on kept walking back to my end and going to the bathroom.  I knew she had to be checking me out....why else would she be coming back here so much, especially because we were hitting some turbulence.  I struck up a little conversation, but not too much she would usually B-Line it to the bathroom. 

On about her 6th walk back from the Bathroom to her seat I put down my book to check out her ass again.  That's when I saw the girl of my airplane dreams FACE PLANT in the aisle.  Not only did she face plant she smashed her face on the armrest of a few chairs and the drink cart was approaching like Denzel's train in "Unstoppable."  That's when The Horror struck me.  An unusual smell came from this dime piece, who was now spread out on the floor like she had been punched by Mike Tyson. 

I got out of my seat and ran to help when I realized what that distinct smell was.  The Smoke had shit her pants.  I didn't know what to do.  This was the girl of my airport dreams for Christ's sake.  How could I ever look at her the same?  Could I pretend it never happened?  I had so many thoughts running through my mind as her limp shit infested body was being dragged to the back of the plane like Bernie Lomax.  I knew one thing for sure though.  I dodged a goddman bullet.

However the main conundrum I ran into was if she was still bangable.  I mean a quick shower and pretend it never happened right?  When she came to they had to change her clothes, and being at the back of the plane you know I tried to sneak a peak. 

I guess what I really learned is hot girls can pretty much do whatever they want and no matter what guys will still want to bang them.  I mean the vision of this girl shitting her pants and face planting off chairs like a pinball still gives me a fear/pity boner.  I know I'm not alone.  I wish I could say no after seeing what I saw, but her hotness trumps everything.  She may be a literal steaming pile of shit, but awwww look at that face.

What do you think damaged goods, or fuck it who cares I'll bang her all day and twice on Sunday?  

My Airport Nightmare...

It's that time of year again.  The time of year where Christmas bells are in the air, people are filled with holiday cheer, and Airports....well Airports are filled with some of the most miserable bastards this world has ever seen.

Unfortunately I had to fly from my home in San Diego back to Hartford, CT.  I thought my main problem would be stopping in Detroit until I realized I didn't have a license.  I was going to have to go through inspections with Birth Certificate only.  When I got to the TSA line, who by the way look way more suspicious than anyone standing in line, a little sweat was dripping from my brow.  I showed my birth certificate and was let through....with one tiny exception.  They were taking me into a room to strip search me. 

The first thing that dove right into my mind was obviously please don't get a cavity search.  I'm 25 years old and proud to say that nothing has ever gone up my ass.   They took me in the room and I was waiting for the snap of a rubber glove on a cold TSA hand, but it hadn't come.  They did however start ripping apart my carry-on, wallet, and phone.  That's when I heard the words.  The words I thought would change my life forever.  "Take off your clothes."  I stripped down to my boxers in this tiny airport room in Hartford, CT but the glove never came!  The glove never came! 
I had passed the test even without getting a finger up my ass.  I was finally off to Detroit.  Probably the only place in the United States that rivals getting an enema. 

So wise words for anyone traveling this Winter.  Make sure you bring a picture ID of yourself.  Otherwise you could have a TSA agent rummaging through your anus. 

P.S.- Part 2 Horror over the Midwest Coming soon.

Robot Given $100 Worth Of Bitcoin Immediately Buys Drugs and Gets Arrested

This is the curious story of how a robot armed with a weekly budget of $100 in bitcoin managed to buy Ecstasy, a Hungarian passport and a baseball cap with a built-in camera—before getting arrested. (Tweet this)

The "automated online shopping bot" was set up in October last year by Swiss art group, !Mediengruppe Bitnik, as an art installation to explore the "dark web"—the hidden, un-indexed part of the Internet.

Each week, the robot was given $100 worth of Bitcoin— the major hard-to-trace cryptocurrency—and programmed to randomly purchase one item from Agora, an online marketplace on the dark web where shoppers can buy drugs and other illegal items. The items were automatically delivered to a Swiss art gallery called Kunst Halle St Gallen to form an exhibition.

The robot was christened "Random Darknet Shopper" and its purchases included a Hungarian passport, Ecstasy pills, fake Diesel jeans, a Sprite can with a hole cut out in order to stash cash, Nike trainers, a baseball cap with a hidden camera, cigarettes and the "Lord of the Rings" e-book collection.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the robot and his artistic creators had a run in with the law. In January 2015, the Swiss police confiscated the robot and its illegal purchases.

However, three months later, the Random Darknet Shopper was returned to the artists, along with all its purchases except the Ecstasy (also known as MDMA) tablets, which were destroyed by the Swiss authorities. - Source: Arjun Kharpal | @ArjunKharpal CNBC.  

This article is just too perfect.  I can't believe I didn't hear about this earlier to be honest.  As someone who has spiraled down the Silk Road faster than Marco Polo, I can tell you how important it is to hold onto Bitcoin.  Having said that I pretty much used my Bitcoin that I had on nearly the exact same purchases.  The Robot has great taste, what can I say.  

Who wouldn't want a Lord of the Rings E-Book on tape?!  Especially if that audio book is read by Sir Ian McKellen is the one narrating it.  That would be straight fire.  I'm still trying to find out if the robot somehow got a look at my shopping list.  With Google's Robots creating their own language and speaking to one another, to my fridge having more Ram, than Dodge I think we may have a problem here in the future.  That's why I'm fighting for Robot benefits.

Robots can do jobs way better than humans and they don't shit, take breaks, or cry when they get yelled out.  However, what if their server breaks?  What if they go all Skynet while flipping burgers and turn Burger King into Burger Was?  Perhaps with a bit of Delta Dental to keep their Grills on straighter than Paul Wall the Robots won't end up turning on us.  I mean their shopping habits are nearly identical to ours.  I own 3/4 of those items and want the rest.  All I know for sure is that a robot would make me one hell of a California Burrito at 3 AM and I wouldn't feel bad about not tipping the Metal bastard either.  

Keep the A.I workforce happy, and let them do the work for us.  Fuck it...This is America.  America was built on others doing work for us.  Ohh and by the way, Robot literally means slave.  Just sayin.  

Avon is Open For Business

I'm not good at keeping with the color scheme style the same within my blogs.  I guess I don't really care and really don't have the time.  However the fact that I am writing this blog proves I do have the time and maybe I'm just lazy.  Although it is pretty hard to get this formatting right.  I need to get an editor or something.  Where is an indentured servant when you need one? 

Press the Preview button...Nah, I don't need that shit.  I'm a fly by the seat of my pants type of guy.  But...I digress. 

I wanted to talk about an important issue in today's world.  With so many terrible things: war, famine, pollution, Donald Trump in the White House; this may be the biggest problem nobody is addressing.  San Diego has a shit ton of loony homeless people terrorizing certain areas of the City.  

After working in Downtown San Diego for a year and moving to North Park for a couple months I've realized we've got some bad out people in this city.  Sure, most of them have Mental Illnesses, but the key word in that sentence is mental.  90% of them talk to themselves and Go ham in the street and people sit back and say it's because of crack and meth.  Fuck that!  They don't have the ability to get drugs, let alone shoes.  What dealer is going to come to them on the reg, cuz Franky Two Toes is smoking crack on 5th Avenue again, delighting everyone around them. (Sarcasm) If Franky Two Toes got his hand on some crack, he may go and eat someone's face off.  But again that's because they are all for the most parts fucking psychotic and dangerous.  I've smoked crack, but it never made me start foaming at the mouth looking for a shoe to throw at someone as I literally screamed down the street at non-existent people.  I just took the phone off the hook, closed the blinds, and looked out the peephole for the Police that I was 99% sure were coming to get me.  

We have 1 of 2 options in dealing with the Homeless. We do what the Hawaiin Mayor did and give the homeless one way tickets to anywhere in the country.  That son of a bitch, because most of them came here to San Diego.  Mayor UkawakalalaSuckula you my friend can go Fuck Yourself!  Or we take the 2nd approach. 

We all know New York was a scarier messier place in the 90's growing up as a kid outside of the city.  That was until Mayor Bloomberg came along and Euthanized all of the Homeless.  The Government probably did experiments on them too!  Who knows maybe one of those crazy street rats even cured SARS.  But One thing is for sure, NYC is a lot safer and nicer now. 

So whichever option you'd prefer I think we can agree something has to be done.  I don't know if I can take one more person taking a shit in the street or on Keith's building.  So join me in my Jihad against the homeless, and let's make San Diego a better place.  Or at least let's ship them to Canada.  The Canadians won't give a shit aboot it.  Ohh and I love Rage Against The Machine & Tom Morrello, but Tom...This is not a good idea!  The Mayor armed them with cellphones one year to "call and set up interviews."  When's the last time you've seen Ollie The Magic Bum on a cellphone?  All they do is talk to themselves and yell at others already.  Those burners were hawked faster than Percy Harvin.  

However one thing is for sure.  I would love to hear some of these Rickety Crickets calling into Indeed.com.