Tuesday, October 24, 2017

TerrorOver The Mid West!

As I stated yesterday I did not have the most pleasant Airport trip from San Diego to Hartford.  However I think someone had it a little bit worse than me. 

Now as every guy knows the first thing you do when walking into an aircraft is scan the plane for hot chicks.  You try and find the girls traveling alone so you can have a "companion"/mile high failed attempt while you're traveling.  As usual I was the last person to enter the plane so I was able to scale all the hot girls, and sexy flight attendants on board.  Being a flight attendant adds 1.5 pts to your hotness.  So if you're a 7 you become an 8.5.  Fuckin Fact. 

Upon scanning I noticed One girl who was the cream of the crop, and she had an open seat next to her. However when I looked at my seat number I noticed all 3 of my seats were open.  What a dilemma!  Do I sit down in a crammed row of three next to this hot chick or do I have an entire row to myself?  I decided that no girl was hot enough to overtake the mystical almost unicorn like row of open seats.  I was the farthest row in the back.

Throughout the flight the girl I had my eye on kept walking back to my end and going to the bathroom.  I knew she had to be checking me out....why else would she be coming back here so much, especially because we were hitting some turbulence.  I struck up a little conversation, but not too much she would usually B-Line it to the bathroom. 

On about her 6th walk back from the Bathroom to her seat I put down my book to check out her ass again.  That's when I saw the girl of my airplane dreams FACE PLANT in the aisle.  Not only did she face plant she smashed her face on the armrest of a few chairs and the drink cart was approaching like Denzel's train in "Unstoppable."  That's when The Horror struck me.  An unusual smell came from this dime piece, who was now spread out on the floor like she had been punched by Mike Tyson. 

I got out of my seat and ran to help when I realized what that distinct smell was.  The Smoke had shit her pants.  I didn't know what to do.  This was the girl of my airport dreams for Christ's sake.  How could I ever look at her the same?  Could I pretend it never happened?  I had so many thoughts running through my mind as her limp shit infested body was being dragged to the back of the plane like Bernie Lomax.  I knew one thing for sure though.  I dodged a goddman bullet.

However the main conundrum I ran into was if she was still bangable.  I mean a quick shower and pretend it never happened right?  When she came to they had to change her clothes, and being at the back of the plane you know I tried to sneak a peak. 

I guess what I really learned is hot girls can pretty much do whatever they want and no matter what guys will still want to bang them.  I mean the vision of this girl shitting her pants and face planting off chairs like a pinball still gives me a fear/pity boner.  I know I'm not alone.  I wish I could say no after seeing what I saw, but her hotness trumps everything.  She may be a literal steaming pile of shit, but awwww look at that face.

What do you think damaged goods, or fuck it who cares I'll bang her all day and twice on Sunday?  

My Airport Nightmare...

It's that time of year again.  The time of year where Christmas bells are in the air, people are filled with holiday cheer, and Airports....well Airports are filled with some of the most miserable bastards this world has ever seen.

Unfortunately I had to fly from my home in San Diego back to Hartford, CT.  I thought my main problem would be stopping in Detroit until I realized I didn't have a license.  I was going to have to go through inspections with Birth Certificate only.  When I got to the TSA line, who by the way look way more suspicious than anyone standing in line, a little sweat was dripping from my brow.  I showed my birth certificate and was let through....with one tiny exception.  They were taking me into a room to strip search me. 

The first thing that dove right into my mind was obviously please don't get a cavity search.  I'm 25 years old and proud to say that nothing has ever gone up my ass.   They took me in the room and I was waiting for the snap of a rubber glove on a cold TSA hand, but it hadn't come.  They did however start ripping apart my carry-on, wallet, and phone.  That's when I heard the words.  The words I thought would change my life forever.  "Take off your clothes."  I stripped down to my boxers in this tiny airport room in Hartford, CT but the glove never came!  The glove never came! 
I had passed the test even without getting a finger up my ass.  I was finally off to Detroit.  Probably the only place in the United States that rivals getting an enema. 

So wise words for anyone traveling this Winter.  Make sure you bring a picture ID of yourself.  Otherwise you could have a TSA agent rummaging through your anus. 

P.S.- Part 2 Horror over the Midwest Coming soon.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Robot Given $100 Worth Of Bitcoin Immediately Buys Drugs and Gets Arrested

This is the curious story of how a robot armed with a weekly budget of $100 in bitcoin managed to buy Ecstasy, a Hungarian passport and a baseball cap with a built-in camera—before getting arrested. (Tweet this)
The "automated online shopping bot" was set up in October last year by Swiss art group, !Mediengruppe Bitnik, as an art installation to explore the "dark web"—the hidden, un-indexed part of the Internet.
Each week, the robot was given $100 worth of Bitcoin— the major hard-to-trace cryptocurrency—and programmed to randomly purchase one item from Agora, an online marketplace on the dark web where shoppers can buy drugs and other illegal items. The items were automatically delivered to a Swiss art gallery called Kunst Halle St Gallen to form an exhibition.
The robot was christened "Random Darknet Shopper" and its purchases included a Hungarian passport, Ecstasy pills, fake Diesel jeans, a Sprite can with a hole cut out in order to stash cash, Nike trainers, a baseball cap with a hidden camera, cigarettes and the "Lord of the Rings" e-book collection.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the robot and his artistic creators had a run in with the law. In January 2015, the Swiss police confiscated the robot and its illegal purchases.
However, three months later, the Random Darknet Shopper was returned to the artists, along with all its purchases except the Ecstasy (also known as MDMA) tablets, which were destroyed by the Swiss authorities. - Source: 
This article is just too perfect.  I can't believe I didn't hear about this earlier to be honest.  As someone who has spiraled down the Silk Road faster than Marco Polo, I can tell you how important it is to hold onto Bitcoin.  Having said that I pretty much used my Bitcoin that I had on nearly the exact same purchases.  The Robot has great taste, what can I say.  
Who wouldn't want a Lord of the Rings E-Book on tape?!  Especially if that audio book is read by Sir Ian McKellen is the one narrating it.  That would be straight fire.  I'm still trying to find out if the robot somehow got a look at my shopping list.  With Google's Robots creating their own language and speaking to one another, to my fridge having more Ram, than Dodge I think we may have a problem here in the future.  That's why I'm fighting for Robot benefits.
Robots can do jobs way better than humans and they don't shit, take breaks, or cry when they get yelled out.  However, what if their server breaks?  What if they go all Skynet while flipping burgers and turn Burger King into Burger Was?  Perhaps with a bit of Delta Dental to keep their Grills on straighter than Paul Wall the Robots won't end up turning on us.  I mean their shopping habits are nearly identical to ours.  I own 3/4 of those items and want the rest.  All I know for sure is that a robot would make me one hell of a California Burrito at 3 AM and I wouldn't feel bad about not tipping the Metal bastard either.  
Keep the A.I workforce happy, and let them do the work for us.  Fuck it...This is America.  America was built on others doing work for us.  Ohh and by the way, Robot literally means slave.  Just sayin.  

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Avon is Open For Business

I'm not good at keeping with the color scheme style the same within my blogs.  I guess I don't really care and really don't have the time.  However the fact that I am writing this blog proves I do have the time and maybe I'm just lazy.  Although it is pretty hard to get this formatting right.  I need to get an editor or something.  Where is an indentured servant when you need one? 

Press the Preview button...Nah, I don't need that shit.  I'm a fly by the seat of my pants type of guy.  But...I digress. 

I wanted to talk about an important issue in today's world.  With so many terrible things: war, famine, pollution, Donald Trump in the White House; this may be the biggest problem nobody is addressing.  San Diego has a shit ton of loony homeless people terrorizing certain areas of the City.  

After working in Downtown San Diego for a year and moving to North Park for a couple months I've realized we've got some bad out people in this city.  Sure, most of them have Mental Illnesses, but the key word in that sentence is mental.  90% of them talk to themselves and Go ham in the street and people sit back and say it's because of crack and meth.  Fuck that!  They don't have the ability to get drugs, let alone shoes.  What dealer is going to come to them on the reg, cuz Franky Two Toes is smoking crack on 5th Avenue again, delighting everyone around them. (Sarcasm) If Franky Two Toes got his hand on some crack, he may go and eat someone's face off.  But again that's because they are all for the most parts fucking psychotic and dangerous.  I've smoked crack, but it never made me start foaming at the mouth looking for a shoe to throw at someone as I literally screamed down the street at non-existent people.  I just took the phone off the hook, closed the blinds, and looked out the peephole for the Police that I was 99% sure were coming to get me.  

We have 1 of 2 options in dealing with the Homeless. We do what the Hawaiin Mayor did and give the homeless one way tickets to anywhere in the country.  That son of a bitch, because most of them came here to San Diego.  Mayor UkawakalalaSuckula you my friend can go Fuck Yourself!  Or we take the 2nd approach. 

We all know New York was a scarier messier place in the 90's growing up as a kid outside of the city.  That was until Mayor Bloomberg came along and Euthanized all of the Homeless.  The Government probably did experiments on them too!  Who knows maybe one of those crazy street rats even cured SARS.  But One thing is for sure, NYC is a lot safer and nicer now. 

So whichever option you'd prefer I think we can agree something has to be done.  I don't know if I can take one more person taking a shit in the street or on Keith's building.  So join me in my Jihad against the homeless, and let's make San Diego a better place.  Or at least let's ship them to Canada.  The Canadians won't give a shit aboot it.  Ohh and I love Rage Against The Machine & Tom Morrello, but Tom...This is not a good idea!  The Mayor armed them with cellphones one year to "call and set up interviews."  When's the last time you've seen Ollie The Magic Bum on a cellphone?  All they do is talk to themselves and yell at others already.  Those burners were hawked faster than Percy Harvin.  

However one thing is for sure.  I would love to hear some of these Rickety Crickets calling into Indeed.com.      

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

So I Decided To Start Blogging Again - At Least For Today

I've realized that I'm able to put up with a lot of shit.  I had an epiphany while my parents were screaming at me for losing yet another piece of luggage on the train to Grand Central Terminal...I don't get as mad at myself as others do at me.

If I lose a piece of luggage I say fuck it no luggage and move on with my day.  If a light bulb breaks, well it looks like I'm living in the dark.  I find that I am super easy going when it comes to material things that I lose in my life.  Sure I'm losing money that I would like to have back, but is that really the worst thing?  Should we loathe ourselves for mistakes we've made, or should we shake them off and continue on with our day like nothing has happened.  I like to think it is a balance between the two, because being hard on yourself may prevent this from occurring again.

And as someone who has had 4 iPhone 7's in the past month I tell you to Cherishhhhh them.  Assurion, Verizon's Mobile Recycling Department, actually just cut me off saying it was not cost effective for them to insure my phones due to the high turn over rate lol.  They com at the Don Vito though they can Assurion I'm gonna get some scalps and my insurance back.  But I digress.

 I guess what I'm trying to say is what do you think the healthy balance in this equation?  I'm always happy, yet always losing things.  I may not care but other people do.  Is it really their business?  Does that make me Ten Second Tom from 50 First Dates?  I know I'm not going to loathe myself over something like a phone and maybe that's the 17 year old Hippie Todd trying to break on through (No pun intended Jim Morrison).

I want to find a balance, care about my belongings without being materialistic.  It'll be tough moving forward but I feel as an adult I have to be more organized.  If not I'll be losing shit to the day I die.  Which according to deathclock.com is 2076 so I've got some time to figure shit out!

If you have any suggestions let me know.


Remember The Malaysian Airline That Disappeared Into Thin Air...I Solved it, No Big Deal

"With the disappearance of those on Malaysian Airlines MH370 billionaire Jacob Rothschild becomes the sole owner of an important semiconductor patent. 
 Coincidence? I think not! The mysteries surrounding Malaysian Airliner MH-370 continue to grow with each passing day and Mr. Rothschild is smack dab in the middle.
 Illuminati  member, Rothschild, is believed to have exploited the airliner to gain full Patent Rights of an incredible KL-03 micro-chip. The US technological company, Freescale Semiconductor,  who shared its rights with Rothschild, had twenty senior members on board who had just launched a new electronic warfare gadget for military radar system’s the day before the plane went missing.  
 The Semiconductor company develops microprocessors, sensors, and other technology including stand-alone semiconductors that perform dedicated computing functions.
 But the questions that arise are why were there so many Freescale employees traveling together? What were their jobs? Their mission? And did they employees carry valuable cargo? With all the power our elite carry, why couldn’t they track down the missing plane?
 Of the 239 people aboard flight MH370, most of them were engineers and others working to make the company’s chip facilities in Tianjin, China and Kuala Lumpur more efficient."

These were people with a lot of experience with high ranking positions in the company.  The fact that the media isn't speaking about it is insane.  I'm definitely a conspiracy theorist to a certain degree but this tragedy always baffled me.  I mean it ain't no Pontiac Na what I'm sayin.  

Source Credit:


As I mentioned, I love conspiracy theories.  It bewilders me when I hear information like this and it's not on the forefront of the investigation.  It was a big deal when the plane mysteriously vanished and the fact that it hasn't been found yet only adds to the strangeness.  Now a couple years later a mysterious piece of debris turns up around Australia.  

There are so many theories about what happened to this plane, and unlike many other conspiracies Flight 370 theories are nearly impossible to disprove.  Some think The Americans or Russians shot it down, some think it flew into a Bermuda-like-Australian Triangle.  Others think it was hijacked or crashed, while some family members believe that their families aboard Flight 370 are being held in Middle-Eastern countries like Afghanistan or Pakistan.  

It is a tragedy no doubt, but why are there still so many unanswered questions.  It would seem that Jacob Rothschild had the most to gain from the plane mysteriously vanishing.  Why were 20 Freescale Semiconductor employees on board that flight, and what did they know?  The Rothschild family are famously known for pulling shady shit throughout history to earn their fortune and this patent may secure the family's future for another few centuries.

This Rothschild angle clearly begs the question of is Jacob Rothschild the prime suspect?  It seems to be the only shred of motive for the planes disappearance.  As we all saw in Lost it takes a ton of Old Man Money to hide a plane of that size without a whisper of its location leaking out.  Till' this day Flight 370 remains a mystery and a tragedy, and I'm not sure we'll ever get the answers we are looking for.  Score One for The Illuminati!    

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Hoyer's Abysmal Performance

That had to be the worst Quarterbacking performance in NFL Playoff history.  Many people think Brian Hoyer doesn't look like he's an NFL Starting Quarterback.  Some say he looks like the kicker, the punter, or the peanut guy walking through stands.  Tonight Hoyer had 4 more interceptions then hairs on his head.

Why Hoyer was allowed to stay in the game is beyond me?  You're telling me a guy with 3 first half turnovers, and the fans booing him is going to come back and light it up in the 2nd half against one of the best Defenses in the league?!  Even Deandre Hopkins wish he had that drunk Ryan Mallet back throwing to him, but I heard he was picking up Jadeveon Clowney somewhere along the Houston Highway.