Thursday, January 23, 2014

Are Paraplegics Unbelievable at Doing Splits?

I for one am a damn good Twister player.  But are there others out there who can compete, possibly even embarrass me out there on the Twister field?  Paraplegics.  I like to think there is no limit to what these people's legs can do....other than walk of course.  These people may be so flexible to the point where they don't even feel it.  They can literally bend around the mat better than Gumby, Stretch Arm Strong, and Owen Hart combined. 

If I were forming an elite competitive Twister team this would be my Starting 5:

1.  Professor X

Professor X can do anything he wants essentially.  Stop time, get inside your head, kill you if he concentrates too hard.  These are essentials in Twister you just can't teach.  Definitely my Ace in the hole.

2.  Christopher Reeve

Christopher Reeves was Superman at one point, and he has the distinction of being the only Quadriplegic on this list.  His whole body can get around the Twister pad flawlessly.  When he was alive..

3.  Rose Mcgowan (Planet Terror)


I know what you're saying.  She's not a paraplegic, she shouldn't count.  Well she has a machine gun for a leg and that's pretty damn cool in my book.  Let's see someone call her out for slipping off red.  Not to mention, every team needs a smokin hot lady to distract the other team. 

4.  Oscar Pistorius

Oscar is one of the fastest people on the planet and has legs like Daggers.  We all remember when he threatened to stomp his Girlfriend to death with his metal legs and then showed her mercy by just shooting her through a door. team!

5.  Steven Hawking

Steven Hawking would be my player coach.  Vast knowledge of the Universe, talks like a bad ass, and is someone the others will respect.  He may also have some Professor X like abilities, and he is pretty damn scary.   


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

R.I.P.D--If only I could go back

We all know Red Box doesn't have the greatest choices, but have I really gone far enough down the line where I end up watching movies like R.I.P.D.?  Dave Kresge and I knew going into this movie that it wasn't going to be good.  However I thought, what the hell I'll give it a chance, I've been wrong before.  What transpired can barely be put into words.
We start with Ryan Reynolds dying...who would have guessed?  Zero character development on him or anyone else for that matter.  He is killed by Kevin Bacon, who we all wanted to be Sebastian Shaw, but ends up being more like Sebastian from the Little Mermaid.  Ryan Reynolds joins the RIPD or Rest In Peace Department, because some people can go to heaven, some to hell, some are in limbo, some fall from the sky, some habit the earth, some can shift form, all don't like Indian food, most of them are overweight but hide it, some come from the ground, some can fly, some can hide stuff in their stomachs, and they seem to like Boston.  Literally none of this is explained. 
We are then introduced to Jeff Bridges character.  What a piece of shit.  He was an 1800s law man, talked like he had cotton balls in his mouth, and literally said nothing of value....other than a Coyote had sex with his dead skull. 
The chemistry between Reynolds and Bridges was something out of a horror movie.  I asked Dave at one point, "Why are they being so mean to each other."  It was as though the dialog was written by two 4th graders fighting on the playground.  It was just snarky remark after snarky remark, neither character ever letting the other one in.  As if the shitty CGI, horrible writing, and lack of story weren't enough.  You have to make the main characters talk in fuckin #hashtags and  fight with each other the whole time.  Reynolds particularly is a complete asshole in this movie.  I don't know how Bridges and Reynolds could say their lines?  Is it only about the paycheck nowadays, because they had to know they were spewing feces all over the screen every time they opened their mouths.
The "Dead'os" as they called them were laughable and never explained.  The CGI looked straight out of Sharknado, infact Sharknado was better, and the parallels to a shittier Men In Black are quite realistic.  I would avoid this movie like the Plague, SARS, and AIDS combined.  I can go on and on about how bad this really was, but honestly this movie doesn't deserve the time or effort. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Chargers Own Peyton Manning

The Chargers definitely seem to be this years "Team of Destiny" in the 2014 NFL Playoffs.  The fact that we even got into the playoffs is pretty amazing.  We needed Baltimore and Miami to lose their last two games, and we needed to win out just to get a shot at the Lombardi Trophy. 
We get into the playoffs and in typical Chargers fashion beat a team ranked higher than us in the 1st round.  Come Sunday the Chargers will face the #1 seed in the AFC, The Broncos.  A team which we have already beaten and always play well against. 
This has been Peyton Manning's year no question about it, but I can tell you if there is one team he doesn't want to play against it's Phillip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.  The Chargers have had Manning's number for years.  I can't even tell you how many times we went into Indy and beat a Colts team that no one gave us a chance against.  He's 7-6 in his career against San Diego and 0-2 in the playoffs.  This year is no different.
With the spread at -9.5 in favor of Denver not many analysts are giving the Chargers a chance in this game.  Perfect!  There is so much pressure on Peyton Manning to win in this years playoffs that the Chargers are essentially playing with house money.  No one expected us to be here let alone knock off the Broncos in the playoffs.  Chargers Head Coach Mike McCoy also used to Coach on the Broncos staff, which gives us a huge advantage and is probably the reason why we won in Denver in week 15. 
I can already see the beads of sweat streaming down Peyton Manning's giant forehead as he prepares to play Rivers and the Chargers.  He knows if he loses this game his legacy will be forever changed into the Great Regular season Quarterback who couldn't get it done in the Playoffs.  I really like the Chargers chances this week, and if they do win, I think we have a shot to win it all. 

P.S. Without Nate Kaeding, there's nothing that can stop us. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Frank Gore: The Most Consistent Mentally Challenged Player in the NFL

Frank Gore didn't choose the illiterate life, the illiterate life chose him.  Frank Gore may be the most consistent retard ever to play in the NFL.  His 100 yard rushing average is nearly double his IQ, and his minute brain has been rushing by defenses for nearly a decade. 
With all the concussion tests in the NFL the 49ers are pumped that Frank Gore does not have a brain.  Take that Roger Goodell.  He was reading at an astounding 3rd grade level in High School and was welcomed to the University of Miami with open arms.  That of course was after he took the SAT's 13 times to break a score of 700. 
With San Francisco poised to make another run at the Super Bowl we can only hope for an exciting Gore Press Conferences in the future...Hopefully his English to English translator is on hand.  Frank Gore may have the IQ of your average house plant, but he's one running back I wouldn't want to see in the playoffs.

P.s.  Frank Gore works as a WalMart greeter in the off season. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

How Drunk is Too Drunk at the Company Christmas Party

It's that time of year again.  Brown sandy snow lines the streets, people are getting their heat shut off and evicted from their homes, Dunkin Donuts lines stretch for miles down the street, and co-workers are getting hammered at their respective Christmas parties. 

Christmas parties are a necessity at every company.  If you don't have one your boss is probably a fascist assbag that hates Christmas and doesn't appreciate the work you have put in throughout the year....or a Jew.  I've gone to a few company sponsored Christmas parties and have not been shy with my consumption of alcoholic beverages.  However I do know people who won't drink anything out of fear of what their boss and co-workers will think. 

However there are few lines that people should not cross at this party.  Here is my 5 step plan to ensure that doesn't happen.

1.  Never be the drunkest person at the party.  Everyone remembers who was #1 at the party.  The guy/girl that gets cut off from the bar or asked to calm down.  However this person is essential to the rest of the party.  You can drink as much as you want as long as you do not catch this person.  They must maintain a sloppiness that exceeds your drinking.  The #1 drunkard at the party is a phenomenal decoy for the rest of the party slurping down drinks.
2.  Always say you drank less than you actually did.  No one cares that you spent $200 dollars at the bar.  If you can remember your total number of drinks (which is as difficult as remembering the Pythagorean Theorem) say you drank about 6 drinks less than that.  People may view you as a light weight, but it's better then them remembering you being not that drunk after 11 Fireball shots. 
3.  Join a rowdy a group.  It's better to be part of the party group than being singled out.  Also, you can always use the excuse that you were pressured into drinking with these people, and they "Just wouldn't stop buying me drinks." 
4.  Only make a move on a female coworker if you know it's a definite.  Toeing the co-worker hook up line is always a tough one.  However Christmas parties are one of the few chances you can get away with it Scott free.  Having said that, the last thing you want to do is a make a move and get rejected.  If you do end up going for it, make sure no one is around to see it.  Win or lose you never want to be the talk of the office after the party. 
5.  Gauge your drinking on the vibe of the party.  If people are partying go ahead and join in the party.  In fact sometimes it may look worse to not join in if people are getting after it.  However if it is a fuckin Whine and Cheese fest don't show up with a Battle of Jack and take an upper decker in the toilet. 

If you follow these 5 simple steps your Christmas party will be a success and you will get drunk and have a good time.  However if the party is open bar these rules probably won't apply to shit and all hell will break lose.  Nothing ends a career like an open bar with Michael Jackson on the Jute Box. 

P.S.  Please refrain from using Ethnic Slurs.   

Monday, December 16, 2013

Eddie The Blob Lacy takes down Romo the Choke Artist

I always thought Daniel-Day Lewis and Christian Bale were the biggest shape shifters on the planet. They would lose and gain weight at an incrediblerate, and Lewis would transform his face into unrecognizable characters.  That my friends is before Eddie Lacy showed up to training to camp. 

In just a few short months Eddie Lacy had turned himself from a chiseled chocolate Greek God into the chick from BridesMaids that shits in the sink.  How the hell can someone get this fat this quickly? Just a few months earlier he was running all over Notre Dame and their fake girlfriends for a National Title at Alabama.  He was rated the best running back in the draft but fell out of the 1st or 2nd round.  Did teams see his fat ass coming from a mile a way?  Did the Hubbel Telescope pick him up while he was revolving around earth?  3 months later Eddie Lacy was rolled into training camp. 

He was known for running downhill, but now he'll be known for running with Diabetes.  I mean seriously, who signs a multi million dollar contract to be in the NFL and then decides to eat at Bo Jangles, Crystals, and Golden Coral in Alabama every night until they are so fat they are nearly unrecognizable.  Rumor has it that he would take down entire buffet lines like an Anaconda at Golden Coral, literally just open his mouth and engulf entire sections by slithering his body around it.  He bounced off people like a bowling ball at Alabama and now he really was a bowling bowl, and when you relate anything a person does to bowling you know that person hit rock bottom. 

When I saw Eddie The Tub of Lard Lacy running all over the Cowboys last night I could not believe my eyes.  What I could believe is Tony Romo throwing multiple picks late in the 4th quarter to blow the game.  I mean c'mon, this guy has to be betting against himself right?  Even when the Cowboys were up 5 with 2:20 left to go in the game people across the nation knew that the CowGirls would blow the game thanks to Romo.  Even Eddie Lacy's fat ass knew it was going to happen.  The Shapeshifter just pounded it down their throat to win the game, and left just a little time for Tony Romo to throw another pick.  Lacy hasn't seen his dick in over a year, but still had the wherewithal to let Tony embarrass himself.  Those are intangibles you just can't teach. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Five Guys Workout Plan

Living in California I have my fair share of In N Out burgers, but without a doubt the undisputed champion will always be Five Guys.  Five Guys is huge on the East Coast and is quickly moving out West.  The Burgers are customizable and about 3 times the size of your average In N Out Double Double. 

But those who love Five Guys know to always enjoy in moderation.  You have to limit yourself to about one burger a week.  It's hard work.  I have to look the other way every time I drive by the damn place.  There's so much greasy goodness protruding from Five Guys that I've even plugged my nose when they're near.

Which brings me to Crunch Fitness.  I was driving by Five Guys on the Post Road when a Lunk Alarm went off in my head.  Crunch Fitness had just opened up directly next to Five Guys.  I drove by to get a closer look and noticed people on the treadmills in front of the large window just peering into Five Guys and people from Five Guys stuffing they're face looking into the gym thinking what could have been.  Why would somebody put them self through this agony.  Running on the treadmill fuckin sucks, but running on the treadmill with a Five Guy Burger only 5.6 meters away is cruel and unusual punishment. 

No building can keep the smell of Five Guys out.  Let alone a pussy ass Curves wannabe gym.  Crunch Fitness is eating their members souls while the people at Five Guys are eating their souls away.  Then it hit me.  Perhaps Crunch Fitness aren't morons after all.  Instead they're running the most conniving social experiment and dedicated business plan this world has ever seen.

People in that Gym are going to go to Five Guys, there is no way around it.  Crunch Fitness' gym members are going to get fatter every time they work out because no one can resist a delicious slaughtered cow.  They knew what they were doing when they put the gym there.  Hell I guarantee all Five guys are getting a portion of the prophets.  Wouldn't even be surprised if the training video was called 5 Guys 1 Crunch.  You may have the public fooled Crunch Fitness, but not me.  The best way to get your members to come back is to keep them fat, unhealthy, and depressed, and nothing says fat, unhealthy, and depressed like Five Guys.  Crunch Fitness knows that in order to make it they're going to have to pump their veins with cholesterol and not testosterone.