How Drunk is Too Drunk at the Company Christmas Party

It's that time of year again.  Brown sandy snow lines the streets, people are getting their heat shut off and evicted from their homes, Dunkin Donuts lines stretch for miles down the street, and co-workers are getting hammered at their respective Christmas parties. 

Christmas parties are a necessity at every company.  If you don't have one your boss is probably a fascist assbag that hates Christmas and doesn't appreciate the work you have put in throughout the year....or a Jew.  I've gone to a few company sponsored Christmas parties and have not been shy with my consumption of alcoholic beverages.  However I do know people who won't drink anything out of fear of what their boss and co-workers will think. 

However there are few lines that people should not cross at this party.  Here is my 5 step plan to ensure that doesn't happen.

1.  Never be the drunkest person at the party.  Everyone remembers who was #1 at the party.  The guy/girl that gets cut off from the bar or asked to calm down.  However this person is essential to the rest of the party.  You can drink as much as you want as long as you do not catch this person.  They must maintain a sloppiness that exceeds your drinking.  The #1 drunkard at the party is a phenomenal decoy for the rest of the party slurping down drinks.
2.  Always say you drank less than you actually did.  No one cares that you spent $200 dollars at the bar.  If you can remember your total number of drinks (which is as difficult as remembering the Pythagorean Theorem) say you drank about 6 drinks less than that.  People may view you as a light weight, but it's better then them remembering you being not that drunk after 11 Fireball shots. 
3.  Join a rowdy a group.  It's better to be part of the party group than being singled out.  Also, you can always use the excuse that you were pressured into drinking with these people, and they "Just wouldn't stop buying me drinks." 
4.  Only make a move on a female coworker if you know it's a definite.  Toeing the co-worker hook up line is always a tough one.  However Christmas parties are one of the few chances you can get away with it Scott free.  Having said that, the last thing you want to do is a make a move and get rejected.  If you do end up going for it, make sure no one is around to see it.  Win or lose you never want to be the talk of the office after the party. 
5.  Gauge your drinking on the vibe of the party.  If people are partying go ahead and join in the party.  In fact sometimes it may look worse to not join in if people are getting after it.  However if it is a fuckin Whine and Cheese fest don't show up with a Battle of Jack and take an upper decker in the toilet. 

If you follow these 5 simple steps your Christmas party will be a success and you will get drunk and have a good time.  However if the party is open bar these rules probably won't apply to shit and all hell will break lose.  Nothing ends a career like an open bar with Michael Jackson on the Jute Box. 

P.S.  Please refrain from using Ethnic Slurs. 

Eddie The Blob Lacy takes down Romo the Choke Artist

I always thought Daniel-Day Lewis and Christian Bale were the biggest shape shifters on the planet. They would lose and gain weight at an incrediblerate, and Lewis would transform his face into unrecognizable characters.  That my friends is before Eddie Lacy showed up to training to camp. 

In just a few short months Eddie Lacy had turned himself from a chiseled chocolate Greek God into the chick from BridesMaids that shits in the sink.  How the hell can someone get this fat this quickly? Just a few months earlier he was running all over Notre Dame and their fake girlfriends for a National Title at Alabama.  He was rated the best running back in the draft but fell out of the 1st or 2nd round.  Did teams see his fat ass coming from a mile a way?  Did the Hubbel Telescope pick him up while he was revolving around earth?  3 months later Eddie Lacy was rolled into training camp. 

He was known for running downhill, but now he'll be known for running with Diabetes.  I mean seriously, who signs a multi million dollar contract to be in the NFL and then decides to eat at Bo Jangles, Crystals, and Golden Coral in Alabama every night until they are so fat they are nearly unrecognizable.  Rumor has it that he would take down entire buffet lines like an Anaconda at Golden Coral, literally just open his mouth and engulf entire sections by slithering his body around it.  He bounced off people like a bowling ball at Alabama and now he really was a bowling bowl, and when you relate anything a person does to bowling you know that person hit rock bottom. 

When I saw Eddie The Tub of Lard Lacy running all over the Cowboys last night I could not believe my eyes.  What I could believe is Tony Romo throwing multiple picks late in the 4th quarter to blow the game.  I mean c'mon, this guy has to be betting against himself right?  Even when the Cowboys were up 5 with 2:20 left to go in the game people across the nation knew that the CowGirls would blow the game thanks to Romo.  Even Eddie Lacy's fat ass knew it was going to happen.  The Shapeshifter just pounded it down their throat to win the game, and left just a little time for Tony Romo to throw another pick.  Lacy hasn't seen his dick in over a year, but still had the wherewithal to let Tony embarrass himself.  Those are intangibles you just can't teach. 

The Five Guys Workout Plan

Living in California I have my fair share of In N Out burgers, but without a doubt the undisputed champion will always be Five Guys.  Five Guys is huge on the East Coast and is quickly moving out West.  The Burgers are customizable and about 3 times the size of your average In N Out Double Double. 

But those who love Five Guys know to always enjoy in moderation.  You have to limit yourself to about one burger a week.  It's hard work.  I have to look the other way every time I drive by the damn place.  There's so much greasy goodness protruding from Five Guys that I've even plugged my nose when they're near.

Which brings me to Crunch Fitness.  I was driving by Five Guys on the Post Road when a Lunk Alarm went off in my head.  Crunch Fitness had just opened up directly next to Five Guys.  I drove by to get a closer look and noticed people on the treadmills in front of the large window just peering into Five Guys and people from Five Guys stuffing they're face looking into the gym thinking what could have been.  Why would somebody put them self through this agony.  Running on the treadmill fuckin sucks, but running on the treadmill with a Five Guy Burger only 5.6 meters away is cruel and unusual punishment. 

No building can keep the smell of Five Guys out.  Let alone a pussy ass Curves wannabe gym.  Crunch Fitness is eating their members souls while the people at Five Guys are eating their souls away.  Then it hit me.  Perhaps Crunch Fitness aren't morons after all.  Instead they're running the most conniving social experiment and dedicated business plan this world has ever seen.

People in that Gym are going to go to Five Guys, there is no way around it.  Crunch Fitness' gym members are going to get fatter every time they work out because no one can resist a delicious slaughtered cow.  They knew what they were doing when they put the gym there.  Hell I guarantee all Five guys are getting a portion of the prophets.  Wouldn't even be surprised if the training video was called 5 Guys 1 Crunch.  You may have the public fooled Crunch Fitness, but not me.  The best way to get your members to come back is to keep them fat, unhealthy, and depressed, and nothing says fat, unhealthy, and depressed like Five Guys.  Crunch Fitness knows that in order to make it they're going to have to pump their veins with cholesterol and not testosterone. 

Uruguay lifts Marijuana laws to get lifted

 

 

 

Huffington Post-  MONTEVIDEO, Uruguay (AP) — Uruguay's Senate gave final congressional approval Tuesday to create the world's first national marketplace for legal marijuana, an audacious experiment that will have the government oversee production, sales and consumption of a drug illegal almost everywhere else.
The vote was 16 to 13, with the governing Broad Front majority united in favor. The plan now awaits the signature of President Jose Mujica, who wants the market to begin operating next year.
Two-thirds of Uruguayans oppose a government-run marijuana industry, according to opinion polls. But Mujica said he's convinced the global drug war is a failure and feels bureaucrats can do a better job of containing addictions and beating organized crime than police, soldiers and prison guards.
"Today is an historic day. Many countries of Latin America, and many governments, will take this law as an example," cheered Sen. Constanza Moreira, voting with the Broad Front majority.
Uruguay's drug control agency will have 120 days, until mid-April, to draft regulations imposing state control over the entire market for marijuana, from seed to smoke.


To be honest I'm not exactly sure how Uruguay is the first country to legalize and oversee production of marijuana.  Hasn't Amsterdam, Canada, and parts of the United States done this already?  It still baffles me how countries spend billions of dollars fighting "The War on Drugs" when they could be earning that money through production and distribution. 

Uruguay hasn't been the center of anything since Pangaea, so the fact they are the first to jump on the L train surprises me.  I feel like this move can't lose.  Drug lords will eventually be put out of business, Uruguay's economy is going to rapidly grow, and we are going to see other countries start to follow suit.  Most importantly the killings will decrease.  Mexico should take notice on how this plays out, because too many people are killed over green trees, and green paper.

The crazy part about marijuana is how society and the government looks at it.  We live in a Prozac nation, where every problem is just a pill away.  Apparently 95% of kids have ADHD (80HD to black twitter), or some other bullshit excuse for the pharmaceutical companies to get rich.  Pain killers, anxiety drugs, and cigarettes are handed out like AID's in the 1980's yet a plant from the earth is illegal? 

It's a backwards system but it's great to see Uruguay cut the red tape, and hopefully change the societal norm on what is considered acceptable.   

Terror over the Midwest

As I stated yesterday I did not have the most pleasant Airport trip from San Diego to Hartford.  However I think someone had it a little bit worse than me. 

Now as every guy knows the first thing you do when walking into an aircraft is scan the plane for hot chicks.  You try and find the girls traveling alone so you can have a "companion"/mile high failed attempt while you're traveling.  As usual I was the last person to enter the plane so I was able to scale all the hot girls, and sexy flight attendants on board.  Being a flight attendant adds 1.5 pts to your hotness.  So if you're a 7 you become an 8.5.  Fuckin Fact. 

Upon scanning I noticed One girl who was the cream of the crop, and she had an open seat next to her. However when I looked at my seat number I noticed all 3 of my seats were open.  What a dilemma!  Do I sit down in a crammed row of three next to this hot chick or do I have an entire row to myself?  I decided that no girl was hot enough to overtake the mystical almost unicorn like row of open seats.  I was the farthest row in the back.

Throughout the flight the girl I had my eye on kept walking back to my end and going to the bathroom.  I knew she had to be checking me out....why else would she be coming back here so much, especially because we were hitting some turbulence.  I struck up a little conversation, but not too much she would usually B-Line it to the bathroom. 

On about her 6th walk back from the Bathroom to her seat I put down my book to check out her ass again.  That's when I saw the girl of my airplane dreams FACE PLANT in the aisle.  Not only did she face plant she smashed her face on the armrest of a few chairs and the drink cart was approaching like Denzel's train in "Unstoppable."  That's when The Horror struck me.  An unusual smell came from this dime piece, who was now spread out on the floor like she had been punched by Mike Tyson. 

I got out of my seat and ran to help when I realized what that distinct smell was.  The Smoke had shit her pants.  I didn't know what to do.  This was the girl of my airport dreams for Christ's sake.  How could I ever look at her the same?  Could I pretend it never happened?  I had so many thoughts running through my mind as her limp shit infested body was being dragged to the back of the plane like Bernie Lomax.  I knew one thing for sure though.  I dodged a goddman bullet.

However the main conundrum I ran into was if she was still bangable.  I mean a quick shower and pretend it never happened right?  When she came to they had to change her clothes, and being at the back of the plane you know I tried to sneak a peak. 

I guess what I really learned is hot girls can pretty much do whatever they want and no matter what guys will still want to bang them.  I mean the vision of this girl shitting her pants and face planting off chairs like a pinball still gives me a fear/pity boner.  I know I'm not alone.  I wish I could say no after seeing what I saw, but her hotness trumps everything.  She may be a literal steaming pile of shit, but awwww look at that face.

What do you think damaged goods, or fuck it who cares I'll bang her all day and twice on Sunday? 

Man eating rocks and babbling about Meth outside of a School Again

Huffington Post-  If the meth doesn't wreck his teeth, the rock-eating certainly will.
Michael Sutton, 36, was arrested last week after some high school students found him near their school, eating rocks and babbling on about meth, the Des Moines Register reported.
Students from Lincoln High School in Des Moines said Sutton had two young boys with him at 1:30 p.m. on Dec. 2, rocks crunching between his teeth. The students told a school official that they asked Sutton why he was eating rocks, and he responded, "I lost my meth."
At about 2 p.m., police found Sutton standing in the road, still eating rocks. According to a police report, an officer asked if Sutton thought it was odd to eat rocks, and he replied, "Well, they are small rocks."
He then grabbed the two boys, ages 4 and 5, into his car and started to drive away, but cops immediately pulled him over again because his brake lights weren't working.
After they pulled him over, they found a meth pipe in his pocket and he admitted to smoking meth, the report states.
Sutton was charged with child endangerment, failing to secure a child, possession of drug paraphernalia, and various traffic violations. The children were taken to their mother, Sutton's girlfriend.


This guy is an absolute champion.  Not only does he smoke rocks, but he likes to eat them as well.  You can't knock his hustle.  This article almost makes him seem normal.  It's as though he had the perfect answer for all the cops questions.  "Why you eating rocks?"   I lost my damn Meth.  Well, do you think it's strange to eat rocks?  Ehhh they're small rocks.

Nothing phases my man Michael Sutton.  He lost his crystal rocks so he was trying to bust open the Giant rock.  Hoping it would rain crystals as far as the eye can see. 

I can totally see him chewing into a rock wondering why he paid drug dealers this whole time when there's an array of some denk rocks in gardens, schools, and Home Depots accross America.   Michael Sutton is a fuckin Rock Star. 

My Airport Nightmare

It's that time of year again.  The time of year where Christmas bells are in the air, people are filled with holiday cheer, and Airports....well Airports are filled with some of the most miserable bastards this world has ever seen.

Unfortunately I had to fly from my home in San Diego back to Hartford, CT.  I thought my main problem would be stopping in Detroit until I realized I didn't have a license.  I was going to have to go through inspections with Birth Certificate only.  When I got to the TSA line, who by the way look way more suspicious than anyone standing in line, a little sweat was dripping from my brow.  I showed my birth certificate and was let through....with one tiny exception.  They were taking me into a room to strip search me. 

The first thing that dove right into my mind was obviously please don't get a cavity search.  I'm 25 years old and proud to say that nothing has ever gone up my ass.   They took me in the room and I was waiting for the snap of a rubber glove on a cold TSA hand, but it hadn't come.  They did however start ripping apart my carry-on, wallet, and phone.  That's when I heard the words.  The words I thought would change my life forever.  "Take off your clothes."  I stripped down to my boxers in this tiny airport room in Hartford, CT but the glove never came!  The glove never came! 
I had passed the test even without getting a finger up my ass.  I was finally off to Detroit.  Probably the only place in the United States that rivals getting an enema. 

So wise words for anyone traveling this Winter.  Make sure you bring a picture ID of yourself.  Otherwise you could have a TSA agent rummaging through your anus. 

P.S.- Part 2 Horror over the Midwest Coming soon.

Mets Land Grandy Man

What can I say, I like the move.  Curtis Granderson is a great center fielder!  He's awesome on defense, and has a ton of pop in his bat.  He had the perfect swing for that short porch in Yankee stadium, and hopefully that power will follow him to the Grand Arena that is Citi Field.  He makes The Mets and their abysmal outfield much better, perhaps even elevating them a tier from the basement.   

I like the way Grandy plays and for 4 years 60 million I like the move.  Stealing a guy from the Yankees is always nice, and Grandy definitely has some good years of baseball left in him.  I've excited about this move sure, but then again I've been excited a lot with this team. 

Man Stabs Brother After Arguing Over Silverware

Huffington Post-  Guess they determined what silverware they're not using.
Edward William Bright, 47, allegedly stabbed his brother repeatedly following an argument over which silverware to use for dinner, ColaDaily.com reported.
Deputies were called to Bright's home in Richland County, S.C., around 6 p.m. Sunday, according to NBC 26. According to the sheriff's report, the argument over silverware led Mr. Bright to grab a steak knife and stab his brother multiple times in his torso.
The brother's injuries were not life-threatening. Bright was charged with second-degree assault and battery, according to the Associated Press.

I got to wonder here.  Which steak knife did Edward William Bright use to stab his brother with?  Did he take the knife out of his own silverware set that he really wanted to use, or did he take his brother's knife and really stick it to him?  I think it's safe to say that Edward won the argument.  They probably melted his brother's silverware down for scrap while he was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. 

The Day After Tomorrow Movie Review

First off has Emmy Rossum been the same age for the last ten years? She looks the same as she does in Shameless. Well that's about all the good I have to say about the movie. This movie was idiotic. Dennis Quaid decided to kill his friends and walk from Philly to Manhattan to what....Say what's up to his son. Oh great now we have to feed two more people. And good thing as soon as they got there the storm stopped and they were rescued. And the damn tent. People are dying all around from being outside. They couldn't walk from the Library to Brooklyn. But if you have a tent rather than the warmth and comfort of a building you're in better shape. They even were taking there jackets off in the tent and exiting not wearing gloves or a hat, but were totally fine. Somehow the eye of the storm (which is the calmest part in real life) is causing everything to freeze but they're outrunning it. Oh yeh and if your a wolf you can survive sub freezing temps like its going out of style. This movie would have been wayyy better if Jake Gylenhal shot and killed Dennis Quaid when he walked into the Library thinking he was another wolf.

Cock Fight

Huffington Post-Last spring, tourists began flocking to Florida to cluck at a church that looks exactly like a chicken.
In October, a Google Earth user discovered that a Christian Science church in Dixon, Ill., was the spitting image of a penis -- when viewed from above.
Now that the year is coming to a close, we at HuffPost Weird are left with a nagging question: Which place of worship looks like a more realistic cock?

Florida doing it big per Usual with perhaps the Greatest cock fight of the century.  Not since the days of Kenny Powers in Mexico has there ever been quite a cock fight like this.  The Challenger: Some pussy church that looks more like a hanus duckface selfie against well the other Challenger: The Big Black Cock. 
First off what a crock of shit that this wasn't noticed until someone happened to Google Earth it.  I could tell from the ground that thing was a flacid dick  I mean look it how it's shaped that's no accident.  And then to make it brown of all things.  The CockMakers knew it had to be realistic and dimensially correct so brown was the only color that made sense. 
Both psychotic buildings also happen to be Churches...who would have thought.  No doubt the same builder built them both.  Definitely some religious nut bag as well making the one Church the Rooster or dominent (cock) male, and the other Church a Black Cock!  Why you ask, cus the name Science in it.  Any good, loving, and forgiving Christian knows Science is all made up and anyone who believes in it should burn in hell for all eternity.  The Cocky religous builder had no choice but to turn this Christian Science Center into the dicks they are.  Women from all over have come to the penis church to have the lord cock slap and mushroom stamp his divine wisdom over them.  No Brainer on this one.  Winner: BBCHC-Big Black Cock Holy Church. 


P.s.-People traveling hundreds of miles to cluck at the Chicken church is as Florida as it gets. 

Sony has sold over 2.1 million PlayStation 4 consoles since launch

Theverge.com- After announcing that the PlayStation 4 moved over a million units in its first 24 hours on sale, Sony has revealed the system's total figures as of December 1st. 2.1 million PS4 consoles were sold worldwide since the initial launch in the US on November 15th, of which 700,000 came from Europe and Australasia after two days of availability.

In a press release, Sony Computer Entertainment president and group CEO Andrew House said that “PS4 delivered the best launch in PlayStation history," while claiming that "demand remains incredibly strong and continues to overwhelm the supply worldwide." Microsoft has yet to offer a specific November sales figure for the Xbox One, which launched a week after the PS4 in the US and matched Sony's achievement of selling 1 million units in 24 hours.

 

Upon reading this I could think only one thing....An Equation.  The Amount of Asian children times the constant(Hours worked in a day) divided by the number of Playstation 4's.  For this equation the constant is 20 for hours worked in a day.  Which leaves us with:

20x/2,100,000

My research concludes that 105 Asian children were able to create 2.1 million PS4's by working a constant of 20 hours a day.  They made 20,000 a piece by the time they were done.  Hence why PS4 took so long to come out.  So you can be a terrorist and buy PS4's or buy from an American company like Microsoft and watch that Hardo Bill Gates swim in his money (hopefully in a Curt Schilling Robe) but know that if Asians are involved a Math Equation cannot be far behind.

NFL Black Out Rule should be tossed out and set on Fire

For those of you lucky enough to be a Giants, Patriots, or Eagles fan.  (Jets sold separately) probably don't know what the NFL blackout rule even is.  Basically the rule is as follows: If you do not sell our your stadium the NFL will prohibit the game from being shown on television.
It's a double whammy. 
I'm a huge Chargers fan go to games all the time.  Sometimes I even get tickets fro $40-60 dollars.  Which is unfathemable to Patriots and Giants fans.  The fact that we can't sell out our stadium is down right pathetic.  The worst part is we never sell it out, but usually it's close enough for some of the big wigs to buy up the rest of the tickets, you know kind of like how El Pres does at Gillete Stadium so the common man will be ensured entry into the stadium. 
But Chargers fans aren't the problem here.  The NFL is a 9 BILLION dollar industry.  They are making more money than they ever have and the TV contracts are the most expensive they've ever been.  If people aren't attending the stadium that means there will be more people watching on tv.  I woke up early to watch the 1 p.m Chargers game Sunday only find it wasn't there.  The worst part about all of this was it was ThanksGiving weekend.  Turkey, Booze, and NFL Football has been a Thanksgiving traditon since the Puritans sailed over on the Mayflower.  Pochatans caught a toss sweep from John Smith and ran it 65 yards into the endzone, until Christopher Columbus's Grandson came outta nowhere and drove a spike through her head. 
However all was not lost that day, the touchdown dance was invented, the spike, and Christopher Columbus 1V served what he like to call Angel Hair Pasta.  Bona Petit.  Fuck that Rule, Get it OUT!!

Iron Man Three (2013) Review

Don't listen to the Nerds

3 May 2013-

This movie is not as bad as everyone is making it seem. Especially if you've never read the comic series. I like the fact that the director had this twist in there because it is most likely what is happening in the real world. "A Target" who is financed from the Underground. I thought it was pretty cool. Their powers were a little much, especially the breathing fire scene, but there powers were also pretty sick. Not to mention its a freaking comic book, there supposed to be over the top.. Tony's tinkering was awesome, some of the special effects were amazing. He's taken the suit to the next level, the dude shits gold. Some of the fight scenes were awesome, especially the one at the end. He's a complete dick to that kid, but he makes up for it at the end. I agree there are some holes in the story. But between the special effects, the innovation of Tony Stark and Marvel, this movie is worth seeing. It could have been better sure, but it is good none the less. In the Word's of Nick Swardson "If people saw that movie 50 years ago they would have blown there head's off in the street."

Will the Real Avon please stand up

A man who claims to have been the inspiration for feared gang leader Avon Barksdale on HBO's "The Wire" has reportedly been arrested on drug and gun charges.
Nathan “Bodie” Barksdale was held on federal gun and heroin charges last month, Drug Enforcement Agency spokesman Edward Marcinko told The Baltimore Sun newspaper.
The real-life Barksdale was described by Marcinko as a high-ranking member of the “Black Guerrilla Family” crime gang.
Barksdale, 52, has long claimed to be the inspiration for the character in the groundbreaking HBO series and went on to produce, “The Avon Barksdale Story: Legends of the Unwired” based on his life. He claimed to be the "real" Avon Barksdale in the trailer.
 
"With 'The Wire' the way they show it, the way I feel about that is they made money off my story, off my trouble, off my pain," Barksdale told Baltimore’s City Paper in 2009.
David Simon, who created "The Wire," has rejected the notion that Barksdale was the inspiration for the show’s character of the same name or another character named "Bodie." According to Simon, his creations were a composite of a number of people he’d known or reported on in West Baltimore.
Barksdale's mother, Emma Grier, told The Baltimore Sun she did not know anything about the charges and believed her son's life was back on track.
“He was working and everything,” she added. “He’s turned his life around.”


--Nathan "Bodie" Barksdale claims to be the real life Avon Barksdale from HBO's the wire.  He even says another character "Bodie" is loosely based off of him. Well riddle me this Nathaniel.  Why is it that Avon and Bodie both end up in jail and you're walking around the streets of B-More without a care in the world.  Shootin dope, drinkin 40s, and rambling your dumbass about hey not only was one character named after me but two were.  How in the fuck do you get the nickname "Bodie" when your name is Nathaniel.  Ohh and Nathan's Mom calling him out that he's not a gangster he's a changed man is priceless. 
Hopefully this guy will walk into Marlo's hood and we'll be back to just one Barxdale. 

P.S.  I bet you this guy was more like Ziggy in real life.  Barksdales are soldiers.