Thursday, January 23, 2014

Are Paraplegics Unbelievable at Doing Splits?



I for one am a damn good Twister player.  But are there others out there who can compete, possibly even embarrass me out there on the Twister field?  Paraplegics.  I like to think there is no limit to what these people's legs can do....other than walk of course.  These people may be so flexible to the point where they don't even feel it.  They can literally bend around the mat better than Gumby, Stretch Arm Strong, and Owen Hart combined. 

If I were forming an elite competitive Twister team this would be my Starting 5:

1.  Professor X














Professor X can do anything he wants essentially.  Stop time, get inside your head, kill you if he concentrates too hard.  These are essentials in Twister you just can't teach.  Definitely my Ace in the hole.


2.  Christopher Reeve
















Christopher Reeves was Superman at one point, and he has the distinction of being the only Quadriplegic on this list.  His whole body can get around the Twister pad flawlessly.  When he was alive..


3.  Rose Mcgowan (Planet Terror)

 

I know what you're saying.  She's not a paraplegic, she shouldn't count.  Well she has a machine gun for a leg and that's pretty damn cool in my book.  Let's see someone call her out for slipping off red.  Not to mention, every team needs a smokin hot lady to distract the other team. 

4.  Oscar Pistorius


Oscar is one of the fastest people on the planet and has legs like Daggers.  We all remember when he threatened to stomp his Girlfriend to death with his metal legs and then showed her mercy by just shooting her through a door.  Intimidation....my team!


5.  Steven Hawking




















Steven Hawking would be my player coach.  Vast knowledge of the Universe, talks like a bad ass, and is someone the others will respect.  He may also have some Professor X like abilities, and he is pretty damn scary.   





 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

R.I.P.D--If only I could go back

We all know Red Box doesn't have the greatest choices, but have I really gone far enough down the line where I end up watching movies like R.I.P.D.?  Dave Kresge and I knew going into this movie that it wasn't going to be good.  However I thought, what the hell I'll give it a chance, I've been wrong before.  What transpired can barely be put into words.
We start with Ryan Reynolds dying...who would have guessed?  Zero character development on him or anyone else for that matter.  He is killed by Kevin Bacon, who we all wanted to be Sebastian Shaw, but ends up being more like Sebastian from the Little Mermaid.  Ryan Reynolds joins the RIPD or Rest In Peace Department, because some people can go to heaven, some to hell, some are in limbo, some fall from the sky, some habit the earth, some can shift form, all don't like Indian food, most of them are overweight but hide it, some come from the ground, some can fly, some can hide stuff in their stomachs, and they seem to like Boston.  Literally none of this is explained. 
We are then introduced to Jeff Bridges character.  What a piece of shit.  He was an 1800s law man, talked like he had cotton balls in his mouth, and literally said nothing of value....other than a Coyote had sex with his dead skull. 
The chemistry between Reynolds and Bridges was something out of a horror movie.  I asked Dave at one point, "Why are they being so mean to each other."  It was as though the dialog was written by two 4th graders fighting on the playground.  It was just snarky remark after snarky remark, neither character ever letting the other one in.  As if the shitty CGI, horrible writing, and lack of story weren't enough.  You have to make the main characters talk in fuckin #hashtags and  fight with each other the whole time.  Reynolds particularly is a complete asshole in this movie.  I don't know how Bridges and Reynolds could say their lines?  Is it only about the paycheck nowadays, because they had to know they were spewing feces all over the screen every time they opened their mouths.
The "Dead'os" as they called them were laughable and never explained.  The CGI looked straight out of Sharknado, infact Sharknado was better, and the parallels to a shittier Men In Black are quite realistic.  I would avoid this movie like the Plague, SARS, and AIDS combined.  I can go on and on about how bad this really was, but honestly this movie doesn't deserve the time or effort. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Chargers Own Peyton Manning



The Chargers definitely seem to be this years "Team of Destiny" in the 2014 NFL Playoffs.  The fact that we even got into the playoffs is pretty amazing.  We needed Baltimore and Miami to lose their last two games, and we needed to win out just to get a shot at the Lombardi Trophy. 
We get into the playoffs and in typical Chargers fashion beat a team ranked higher than us in the 1st round.  Come Sunday the Chargers will face the #1 seed in the AFC, The Broncos.  A team which we have already beaten and always play well against. 
This has been Peyton Manning's year no question about it, but I can tell you if there is one team he doesn't want to play against it's Phillip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers.  The Chargers have had Manning's number for years.  I can't even tell you how many times we went into Indy and beat a Colts team that no one gave us a chance against.  He's 7-6 in his career against San Diego and 0-2 in the playoffs.  This year is no different.
With the spread at -9.5 in favor of Denver not many analysts are giving the Chargers a chance in this game.  Perfect!  There is so much pressure on Peyton Manning to win in this years playoffs that the Chargers are essentially playing with house money.  No one expected us to be here let alone knock off the Broncos in the playoffs.  Chargers Head Coach Mike McCoy also used to Coach on the Broncos staff, which gives us a huge advantage and is probably the reason why we won in Denver in week 15. 
I can already see the beads of sweat streaming down Peyton Manning's giant forehead as he prepares to play Rivers and the Chargers.  He knows if he loses this game his legacy will be forever changed into the Great Regular season Quarterback who couldn't get it done in the Playoffs.  I really like the Chargers chances this week, and if they do win, I think we have a shot to win it all. 

P.S. Without Nate Kaeding, there's nothing that can stop us. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Frank Gore: The Most Consistent Mentally Challenged Player in the NFL



Frank Gore didn't choose the illiterate life, the illiterate life chose him.  Frank Gore may be the most consistent retard ever to play in the NFL.  His 100 yard rushing average is nearly double his IQ, and his minute brain has been rushing by defenses for nearly a decade. 
With all the concussion tests in the NFL the 49ers are pumped that Frank Gore does not have a brain.  Take that Roger Goodell.  He was reading at an astounding 3rd grade level in High School and was welcomed to the University of Miami with open arms.  That of course was after he took the SAT's 13 times to break a score of 700. 
With San Francisco poised to make another run at the Super Bowl we can only hope for an exciting Gore Press Conferences in the future...Hopefully his English to English translator is on hand.  Frank Gore may have the IQ of your average house plant, but he's one running back I wouldn't want to see in the playoffs.

P.s.  Frank Gore works as a WalMart greeter in the off season.